How It All Began (Warning : Tears May Be Shed Reading This)

Rest in Peace Sheeba, My Dear Friend

To start with this story, I have to go back in time. Not very far, but far enough to relive the sick feeling of betraying one of my closest friends. When I said "good bye" to her it was like ripping my own guts out. For months after, I grieved hard and so did Moonbeam. She still cried every week for her. I never got over the guilt and maybe I never will..............................  

Sheeba, my dear friend, now with Jesus, was a German Shepherd, whom, had a checkered past. She'd been through at least 4 owners that I know of. Things just never worked out for her. By the time I got her, she had very serious behavioral issues, but she also loved me to a fault. She was smart, independent and wanted to do things "her way".  She also suffered from extreme anxiety.  Knowing her spirit, I tried to give her the freedom she needed. In most things, it worked out okay. In others, it was in the end, her demise. Sheeba was a "fear biter". We excused it at first, thoroughly examining every incident with great concern. Each time it was a clear case of her trying to protect our property. In each case, minimal damage had been incurred and strangely, in each case the persons involved said "she was only trying to protect her property - please don't put her down". So, with great concern, and a foreboding sense of future, she'd be forgiven.

Sheeba also had a serious condition called "pannus". It was a deterioration of her eyes which would eventually cause her to go blind. I had to put steroid drops in her eyes on a rigid schedule to preserve what vision she had. Looking back now, I can see it was a battle I would never win, but I loved her and there was fight and faithfulness in me that wouldn't bow to common sense.

When the fateful day came that she went too far, it was a terrifying experience particularly for my husband. He'd never been a dog person, but he tolerated her for me. This pushed him over the edge of not liking dogs. He could hear it happening but couldn't get to her to stop it. Many times, he'd seen his business and all he'd worked for flash before his eyes. He knew she wasn't just a danger of liability, but she'd crossed the line and become a danger to man. 
   
    Deep down, we both knew we no longer had any choice, but it didn't make hearing her last cries for me to come back to her any easier. Something about the way she called me spoke to my soul.   Besides losing my dog, I'd known several painful losses in my life in the past few years. Along with personal losses that I cannot discuss, I suffered through 2 miscarriages. The compounded grief drove me to want to channel it into something useful for the future.

  My friends assured me I'd tried hard with her and that there was just nothing more to do. They told me to stop blaming myself and move on. My husband said that I didn't betray her, she betrayed us. I knew she'd died for believing she was protecting us and it just cut me to the heart. 

    As the months went by, the hollow feeling of loss never fully left and I knew I had to get another dog. This was not just for me. It was for my daughter who couldn't stop crying for her even months later. With resolute, I determined that I couldn't go back. I could only go forward. I couldn't change the past, but I could give my very best to train a puppy the right way and make sure she had every opportunity to succeed.   And so, a few short weeks before Christmas, I began embarking on this adventure when I came home with "Zenzi".